Secret calories

Worst Idea: Thinking that a bag of chips and a Butterfinger at 1 a.m .would give me a second wind. An hour later I was in bed with it all in my stomach, visions of a wise-cracking Bart Simpson in my head.

Gettin' Lexicographical with il

This is an actual comment I left in the survey I was sent after a visit to the Apple Store this week:



My scheduled time was pushed back a half hour or so, but I added to my wait by not hearing my name when it was called. Fortunately, my iPhone wasn't so incapacitated that I couldn't play solitaire while I waited.

On an unrelated, and possibly more important note. Donni was extremely helpful and kind, my problem was just "schmutz" in the headphone jack. I tell people this, and they ask, "Did he really say 'schmutz'?" Indeed he did. Four or five times. He also told me (possibly to ameliorate my embarassment at such a simple problem) that it happens every couple hours.

If that's true, that's dozens of utterances of the word "schmutz" daily. I can't imagine that anyone who has this problem would ever return with it again; it's an easy self fix of course. So that means he has a fresh audience each time. And if they're like me, they're likely to then broadcast their tale, a slightly embarrassing and slightly humorous incident at the Apple Store, fortunately ending with a product that once again works fine. A feel good story, if you will, the kind many people love to reiterate.

My point, and forgive me for all this pontification, is that Donni is doing a wonderful service for the lexicon. Schmutz is such a fine word. Precise but encompassing so many things. A perfect tone for accumulated debris that is neither pleasant nor unpleasant, but is nonetheless not where it should be. The words lint, dirt or goop are too precise, and not necessarily correct. Stuff, crap and shit are crude and much less specific.

Some people don't even know what schmutz means. While Yiddish in entymology, that certainly doesn't mean it can't be a legitimate English word. My dream is that Donni is the spark that can make "schmutz" a more commonly understood and used word.

I think this should qualify Donni for any kind of specially colored T-shirt that esteemed members of the Genius community might qualify for.

For men...who want women

Worst Idea: New cologne for men: Nothing but perfume and dick sweat. This'll be made after I'm famous, with MY ACTUAL DICK* SWEAT.

*probably just any sweat, actually.

A funky funky movie

Best idea today:

80 minutes, nothing but shots of various animals set to James Brown. Lots of different kinds of animals, penguins, platypi, pigs, horses running through fields, other wet birds. Some how it tells the story of all human experience.

Song for Annie

Hey I just came to say
I like the way you move clay
Shorty don't say nay
I got the rhymes that pay

so don't look at that paper
you already know the answer
work that calf anterior
moves be so superior

Little man
has a plan
on the stand
wave a hand
he's so grand
understand

Breakfast is for morning
Classmates be boring
My flow is soaring
we should hit the road touring

Don't get me as stalking
girl we just talking
we could be walking
to Maiden I'm rocking


I know you like my flow
Catch you laughing like whoa
But you didn't know
I got sick rhymes like Poe
And I ain't just so so
so if you wanna go
in the Acco'
To the grocery sto'
Need that avocado
get the quacamo'
Some chips and mo'
eat it nice and slow
no one's gotta know
We eatin that food together.
-Ill Lupo

This is a song about grammar. And boning.

Can't rhyme with <3
Yo It's not words to me
Could talk about our start
You fillin my mind with art
Or rhyme it with glee
emotions growing like a tree

So use your words
entire words
the kinds you find in a book
the way Carole King writes a hook
So use your words
entire words
So Grab that dictionary
get you in my lictionary

Shorty Baby Girl #1

Yo shorty baby girl at the table
making me write rhymes like some fables
holla at ya coming out the movie
Check out the museums we hit the Louvie

Yeah I'm layin sweet rhymes on your facebook page
making sweet music like thugged out John Cage
beats so sweet they could be the Whole Foods rage
conjuring hits like a James Brown Warcraft mage


This aint' the time for nice and slow.
Can't you feel my flow? Make that dough?
Take you to the show and let you know
my star is so bright it's about to blow.
My funds like plants they always grow.
So many seeds I sew holla like whoa.
Playin tic tac toe with a dinosau'
let him win though
I need those limbs, yo
So I can get you on the dance flo'
See my moves and you gonna need mo
Flailing so tight when we get low
I'm friend not foe
Wind me up and let me go
Don't let them call you a ho
You so classy.
-Ill Lupo